Prepared by the Staff of
The Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center
A Program of
The Institute for Psychoanalysis
Teachers are important and influential figures in a child's life. Throughout
the school year children encounter many challenges that may disrupt or
interfere with their normal development. Teachers are often relied on to
provide needed assistance at those times. The death of a parent or other
family member is one of the most difficult events a child can face. Often
the child will turn to a teacher for guidance and support.
After the Loss
After
the immediate loss, friends and members of the community gather to offer
comfort and support to the grieving family. Rituals involving funeral
arrangements usually occur. Preparing meals, helping with child care,
collecting emergency funds and other initial responses help family members
at a time when they are least able to draw upon their own emotional and
material resources.
Returning to School
Some
children will return to school immediately after the death and act as if it
is "business as usual." However, most children's academic performance will
suffer for a time. They may have difficulty concentrating and often appear
to be daydreaming. It may take some children up to a year to catch up
academically. In addition, these children may be embarrassed or ashamed
returning to school. The idea of being "different" or temporarily in the
spotlight may make them feel uncomfortable.
Helping Classmates With Their Feelings and Interactions with the Grieving
Child
Talking with the class about the
loss before the child returns to school, while respecting the wishes of the
grieving family, can relieve some of the anxiety children may have about how
to act with the returning child. It can provide an opportunity to explore
options such as writing cards, making drawings, and welcoming the child's
return to the classroom. This is also a time to identify children who are
having a difficult time themselves who may need to be addressed
individually.
Emotional Response to Loss
Children
can demonstrate a variety of affective responses to a loss. Some may be as
simple and straightforward as sadness. Most adults have an easy time
recognizing and responding to this reaction. Anger is also common, yet is
sometimes harder for the adult to recognize and appreciate. Anxiety is often
a common response and can appear in a variety of ways. Sometimes it is a
reaction to real changes in the family situation such as financial problems,
a move, the emotional reactions of other family members, and the like.
Sometimes it is a reaction to fears about safety and concerns that the world
is not a safe place; fear of losing the other parent is common. Often the
anxiety is expressed through somatic complaints such as headaches or
stomachaches, which may result in frequent absences or visits to the school
nurse. Sleeping problems, appetite changes and not enjoying normal
activities may be seen. Mood changes with crying episodes, sudden highs,
anxiety episodes and angry outbursts may also occur during the first six
months or so after a death.
In
general, younger children tend to be more open about expressing their
feelings. They may exhibit regressive behaviors such as thumbsucking,
wetting or soiling, and whining.
Older
children tend to avoid or deny their feelings, although they may be
expressed indirectly through their behaviors. These behaviors run the gamut
from depression and withdrawal to acting out in an aggressive or hostile
manner.
The
child may at times think there is something radically wrong with him or her
and that he is in danger of being abandoned by anyone he becomes involved
with. Consequently, this child may be especially sensitive to changes,
losses or separations at school. The absence of a teacher and the presence
of a substitute teacher can be upsetting. Changes in the usual school
routine may also create anxiety.
What can teachers do to help?
It may
be necessary to adjust academic expectations for a while. Certainly, for all
children who miss school immediately following the loss, this is obvious.
However, for some children, the trauma of loss may require modification for
a much longer period of time. Keeping the routine of school is important
and the school may be the steadiest and most consistent part of a child's
life for a while. Preparing the child for any changes in routine, wherever
possible, offers security and minimizes additional anxiety immediately
following a loss. Letting the substitute know that the child may have a
difficult time is wise. Anniversaries, holidays, special parent days at
school and the like require sensitivity to the child who has lost a parent.
Although
loss groups at school are helpful for some children, they are not usually
indicated in the short term while the child is responding to the initial
trauma. Individual support and reassurance such as a warm smile, a friendly
touch, listening, and providing an opportunity to "time out" or "time in"
with an appropriate adult in a nonpunitive way in the immediate aftermath of
a loss, may provide opportunities for refueling, inner tension regulation,
and "holding" that respects the healing process.
If the
child's emotional needs appear to be great and/or of long duration (several
months), it would be appropriate to suggest to the parent that the child
might benefit from seeing a professional who works with children and their
families who are having difficulty managing the grief process. Physically
abusive behavior to self or others must be evaluated. Professional help is
also indicated for those children who have experienced emotional
difficulties prior to the loss.
Loss from Separation, Divorce and Abandonment
Children who suffer these kinds of losses are in as much pain and distress
as children who experience loss through the death of a loved one. They may
not show sadness; in fact, they are more likely to show anger and
frustration, acting out in ways that may not make them very likable. Your
constancy is most important to them. Their lives and sense of security and
trust in adults have been disrupted. The anger and disappointment they may
feel toward family members may be acted out toward you or one of their peers
who is less risky to offend than the family members they are afraid of
losing. It is important that you maintain boundaries and limits, providing
safety for the child and others, while at the same time empathizing with the
feelings the child is expressing. In your valiant attempt to remain neutral
and uninvolved in the parental conflict, be sure you do not distance
yourself from the child who needs your involvement in the form of
reassurance, support and consistency.
In all
of these issues of loss, you, the teacher, play a very important role. You
can provide the child with a safe, stable environment when his or her inner
and outer life may be in turmoil. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
Self-Help
Caregivers, like you, the teacher, need to recognize your own feelings
related to loss. Don't be afraid to ask for help or guidance if you find
dealing with these children especially stressful or difficult for you.
Resources
The
Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center, a program of the Institute for
Psychoanalysis, provides assistance to children and families who are having
difficulty managing the grief and mourning process through education,
consultation,
evaluation, and therapeutic treatment when indicated.
Fees are on a sliding scale and are determined by the family's ability to
pay. No child is ever turned away. Professionals are available to assist
schools in managing a crisis due to loss as well as to offer presentations
and workshops to various groups. Saturday workshops for teachers with
professional development credit are offered at the Institute during the
school year. More information is available by calling the Institute for
Psychoanalysis at (312) 922-7474 and asking for the Children's Grief Center,
as well as accessing our website at
www.barrharris.org.
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