The child's reactions to the loss depend on the child's understanding of death, level of cognitive and emotional development, the relationship with the parent before the loss, and how the important adults in the child's environment are dealing with the loss. 

It is the reaction of adults that set this type of loss apart from other deaths that the child may experience. While most deaths are senseless, this type of death can be seen as having a purpose, in the service of accomplishing a particular goal. There is a noble quality to it, as the parent in the armed forces died for his or her country so that others may be free or safe. Similarly, police or firefighters who die in the line of duty were trying to help others.

As a result, such a parent is idealized beyond the usual idealizations that are part of losing a parent under any circumstances. The increased idealization may make it easier to mourn. However, idealization may also be a handicap in mourning, since excessive idealization may make it impossible to acknowledge the parent's shortcomings while alive.

The level of community support is usually greater than with other losses. This support is usually helpful in facilitating the mourning process.

Benjamin Garber, Director
Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center

"Should children be allowed to attend the funerals of parents and other relatives?"

The most frequent question posed to Barr-Harris staff is whether a child should be allowed to attend a funeral. I assume that this question has something to do with an attempt to protect the child from the pain and distress of the loss. Another reason that the question comes up is, "Why should the child attend if he or she does not fully understand what is going on?" A third reason for raising the question is concern that the child might get so upset that he or she might disrupt the somber proceedings.

Basically, there is no reason why the child should be kept from the funeral of a parent or other relative. Children are invariably well-behaved and serious at such events. As soon as children are capable of some understanding (age two to three), they should be allowed to participate in the process of mourning. Attending the funeral is an important part of that process.

Such attendance is beneficial for a number of reasons.

It gives the child the chance to deal with some of his or her feelings about the loss.

It stimulates a dialogue about the events of the loss. The child has a chance to ask questions and to recognize the fact that loss is a part of life.

Such participation may also undercut fantasies that the person who died may return.

However, one of the most important reasons for letting the child attend the funeral is that many adults who experienced loss in childhood harbor intense anger towards those adults who did not allow them to participate in the funeral as children. They feel deprived of an important childhood experience; they feel that they did not have the optimum chance to say goodbye to the one that died.

Benjamin Garber, Director
Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center

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